This past Saturday night in Malibu, California a closeness was felt between a father and his son. The father, Ryan O'Neal (65), was arrested after firing a gun in self-defense to prevent his son, Griffin (42), from taking his head off with a fireplace poker. Read the AP story as recorded in USA Today here.
Fathers and sons have such a special relationship. Fireplace pokers, guns and other weaponry are part and parcel of the love fathers and sons share. In fact, it's probably not limited to fathers and sons. Fathers and daughters can experience it. Ask Tatum O'Neal. She's gone years without speaking to her father.
This bunch knows a thing or two about alcohol and drug rehab. Seems Griffin, perhaps others, need to learn more though. The lessons don't seem to have taken well.
Lives out of control. It's more commonplace than we want to admit.
Contrast that with a book I recently began reading entitled, "The 100 Mile Walk: A Father and Son On A Quest To Find The Essence of Leadership."
Sander Flaum, dad, enjoins son, Jonathan, on a literal and figurative walk (visit their website). Here's what Amazon.com reviewer, Peter Han, has to say about the book:
"The formula sounds immediately intriguing: a 65-year-old, hard-charging executive with old-fashioned values conducts a dialogue with his 35-year-old, Zen-influenced son about what qualities define great leadership. One's a Republican, the other independent. One drives an Audi, the other a Subaru. One likes his vacations best when they involve golf in Scottsdale, while the other prefers backcountry roams in Yellowstone. Yet together, they aim to develop a common picture of the essence of leadership--agreement on what characterizes those special people that others follow--and in this engagingly written, disarmingly personal book, they do.
Co-authors Sander Flaum and his son, Jonathon Flaum, are products of different eras, and the inter-generational tension that runs through their book gives it its unique flavor. Father and son's voices alternate in The 100-Mile Walk, with the elder, Sander, typically writing first, and Jonathon presenting his own opinions next. Each shows the different influences of his generation in their exchanges about various aspects of leadership.
Sander grew up in Brooklyn, heavily influenced by the surrounding Jewish community. Inspired by a demanding, determined mother, he worked his way up a conventional career ladder, beginning at a large pharmaceutical company and then moving onto an ad agency. He displays and extols traditional virtues like hard work, determination, ambition, and the like. His son Jonathon, meanwhile, has a markedly more new-fashioned orientation, having gotten an MFA degree rather than an MBA, and referring repeatedly in the book to teachings of Zen masters. After a brief career in the arts, primarily as a playwright, Jonathon has become an executive coach with surprisingly starchy, button-downed clients.
As their backgrounds suggest, where father and son come together makes for interesting reading. The "walk" to which the book's title refers is actually a series of strolls, adding up to 100 miles, that father and son take together. In their jaunts through Manhattan; Asheville, North Carolina; New Orleans; and Columbus, Ohio, Sander and Jonathon discuss what eventually become 9 key qualities that they believe most good leaders exhibit. The 9 P's, as they refer to them, are: people, purpose, passion, performance, persistence, perspective, paranoia, principles, and practice.
The book's structure revolves around these 9 qualities, as Sander and Jonathon discuss each in turn, weave in anecdotal examples from real-life organizational leaders. The chapters then close with checklist summaries of key things for readers to remember. The lessons themselves aren't revolutionary; what's different is the thoughtful, at times intimate dialogue between a father and son, and what others might draw from it. Former astronaut and Senator John Glenn, lauds the Flaums' open, questioning tone, and their lack of dogmatism, in his Foreword: "this book does not presume answers; it asks probing questions." Those questions are indeed provocative ones, and readers ready to take an unusual walk with the Flaums will be well rewarded."
It's too early for me to tell you the book is worth reading. I'll let you know as my reading progresses. What interests me today is the contrast between one father, aged 65, and his son - and another father, also aged 65, and his son. One is firing a gun to stop his son from swinging a fireplace poker at his head. The other is walking around with his son talking about various principles of leadership and life.
The dysfunctional nature of some relationships is always amazing. How else can you explain the lure of the Jerry Springer Show or Dr. Phil? Admittedly, Dr. Phil is much smarter TV viewing, but the point is the same - these and other shows often depict people with serious relationship problems. We're often intrigued to watch people whose lives involve more craziness than our own.
I'm not yet 65, but so far - I've never fired a weapon in self-defense against any family members, including my kids. In fact, I've never fired or welded a weapon in self-defense against anybody. Well, does it count if you walk down the hall of your house in the middle of the night with an old night stick (I've never used a night stick during daylight hours so that's okay, right)? I admit I have armed myself against noises in the night, but usually I resort mostly to whistling a tune. Demons and boogers don't strike whistlers, or so I've heard. Years of practice and fear have provided me with the whistling skills of a red breasted warbler.
Back to fathers and their children - or just fathers and husbands, in general.
How can a relationship deteriorate into such a scene found at the O'Neal house on Saturday night? Well, drugs and alcohol surely have their place in such a scene, but that's not the whole story. Sadly, I'd guess you'd have to go back 40 years, give or take, to when little Griffin may have been the proverbial apple of his father's eye. Now, at age 43, Griffin is a physical threat to dad. Makes me wonder about all the years in between. That's where the secrets can be found. Those are the years where demons are born.
As a father I have often wondered what baggage I've loaded down on my kids. Time will tell. So far, I'm proud of them and I hope they're proud of me, but both are likely a greater testament to their mother than anybody. Her influence on all our lives has helped us immeasurably.
A father's love for his children is special - or should be. It should never warrant firearms or fireplace pokers. A father's love could easily warrant a 100 mile walk and lots of conversation though. I'd walk a million miles with my kids in order to learn, teach and love.
Poor Abe. He looks like I feel.
These were taken in 1865. Below is a photo taken just two years earlier, 1863.
As you can tell, Abe never could keep that tie straight. But notice how 2 years of Civil War has aged him. Lincoln was murdered in 1865. He was 56. He had just been re-elected as President. He delivered his second inaugural speech on March 4, 1865. It was his favorite speech.
